


What if We Kissed on The Jouch?

by NotJKRowling (NotRaymondChandler)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: A bit of the old how's your father, Banter, Comedy, Crack, Don't Ask, Draco Malfoy wears jorts, Draco would kill for your jeans, F/M, Flirting, Gallows Humor, Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy - Freeform, Humor, I Don't Even Know, Kissing, Tragedy/Comedy, god has officially abandoned humanity, jorts, jouch, jouches have consequences, just kidding god isn't real, literally though, todger touching, todgers get touched is that smut, vaguely smutty crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 21:21:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30044934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotRaymondChandler/pseuds/NotJKRowling
Summary: What if Hermione and Draco kissed on a jouch?
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	What if We Kissed on The Jouch?

**Author's Note:**

> Soundtrack:  
> Time of the Season, by The Zombies

"You really must stop by and see my couch." Draco said, giving Hermione a sly smile that could melt the knickers off a horse.  
  
"Oooh. I _do_ love a good couch," Hermione smiled flirtatiously, running her fingers alarmingly close to his todger over his jorts, "let us away to your flat where we mightst delight in this couch."  
  
"It's not just _any_ couch." He informed her. "It's incredibly special and important to me."  
  
"Ooooh, I love special things, why is it so special?" She asked, her fingers now creeping up the leg of his jorts.  
  
"Because," he answered huskily, "it's a _jouch,_ darling."  
  
_"Hnnnnnnnnnng."_ She bit her lip and moaned, almost immediately turning her knickers to crème fraîche at the magical word. "What if we kissed on the jouch?"  
  
"I'm afraid that wouldn't end very well for you." Draco said as her hand found his todger up his jorts leg and began to give it a bit of the old how's your father.  
  
"Why is that?" She asked.  
  
"Why Granger," he said smoothly, "because you'll fall in _love,_ of course."

  
  
  


"Oh my gawwwwwdddddd…" She moaned lustfully moments later when they apparated into his living room. "This is the sexiest jouch I've ever seen!" She was nearly salivating as she gazed at the magnificent jouch and he couldn't blame her, for it truly was a beautiful, sexy jouch.  
  
"Can we…?" She asked him, her hand rubbing up against the grain of his thigh hairs as it tried to make its way up the leg of his jorts again.  
  
"Can we what?" He asked, smirking at her seductively.  
  
"Kiss on the jouch?" She whispered, leaning in close and nibbling his earlobe just enough to make him consider the option.  
  
"If we must." He drawled, and she threw herself on his precious jouch, making him wince, but he followed her nevertheless; his body crashing into her, one hand running up the length of her skin tight jeans, his mouth finding hers, his other hand reaching behind his back... 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Perfect." He said, holding up the pair of skinny jeans appreciatively. They would be just the thing for the jouch he was making for the library.  
  
"The ladies can't resist a jouch." He smirked wickedly looking over at Hermione's mutilated body lying on the floor by the jouch. Of course he had made sure to push her off the jouch before he had murdered her, he loved his jouch and couldn't risk it getting ruined with blood stains. No, he had shoved her onto the floor, making sure to remove his prized trophy first, and that was exactly where she had bled out.  
  
"It's a shame, your arse really _did_ look fabulous in these," he told her corpse sadly, "but your jeans will look even better on my library jouch."  
  
And with that, he pulled out his wand, vanished her body and the blood from the floor, then lay on the jouch, holding her jeans close and rubbing them up against himself. He could tell he was going to love his library jouch already. He could feel it in his jorts.


End file.
